And on the 3rd episode, he has risen… Spoiler? Really? How did you manage to avoid the internet the whole week? Do you live in a cave? And if you do, how come are you reading this?
Right, let’s catch up with what the hell is happening, now that our favourite character is back from the dead! The initial credits are now extra extra long, showing how much of a geographical mess this plot is. No Dorne or Braavos, but we are shown a new location, something to do with horses and Dothraki. Interesting? Nope. Particularly when the first thing we see after the credits is Jon Snow’s ass, alive and kicking, with a swiss cheese chest and his moody brow. He doesn’t seem too thrilled to be back, and is now clearly an atheist (having seen nothing while dead), but Ser Daavos and Melisandre are ecstatic. The Red Woman is particularly excited – this means the prophecy is right! It isn’t Stannis, it’s Jon! The Prince that was Promised!! Bloody Jon Snow that knows nothing! Ser Davos goes all coach team talk again (“keep failing, fail better”), but Jon (who starts looking more and more like Robb Stark) doesn’t seem too convinced. The Night’s Watch seems somehow impressed for his zombie Lord Commander situation, but not too much (freaking hell, show some emotion men), and only Tormund breaks the ice (geddit?) with a small-dick joke. Snow also makes a joke, making everyone wonder if death just blesses you with some incredible sense of humour, and if so, well, I can provide a list of people to be stabbed. Meanwhile, in the middle of the ocean, Samwell, completely ignorant that his best friend died and resurrected, is vomiting his way to deliver Gilly and little Sam to the care of his mother and sister (yay, yet another plot) at Hornhill. Apparently, the Citadel doesn’t accept women, which means no more sex for Sam. Can we hear a sad aw?
And we cut to a flashback! The Tower of Joy scene!!! At last some answers! Only not really. Young Ned Stark and 5 friends fight Ser Arthur Dayne and some other very good swordsman, and struggle to win – indeed, Ser Dayne had to be stabbed in the back, very unStarky. But whatever is in the Tower – and it just screams – Ned wants to get to it as soon as possible. So does Bran, that screams father (making Ned turn and the Three Eyed-Raven almost collapse with anxiety). Bran can talk to the past? What next, his mother falls in love with him? Alas, the old man brings Bran back from the vision, and no, it’s not in this bloody episode that we will find out if R+L=J.
We check in on Daenerys, who is having the time of her life (not really) and put into the Dothraki nunnery for widowed khaleesis. She does find out she may somewhat be punished for daring to have a life after the death of her husband… Back in Meereen, Varys recruits some little birds, and Tyrion struggles to make shitty chat with Grey Worm and Missandei. In King’s Landing, Qyburn recruits Varys’s little birds (children) to the Lannister cause, and Jaimersei visit the small council (that includes the Queen of Thorns, that cracks one of her many jokes about incest), only to have the small council go to Starbucks for a frappe instead because it’s too hot and they can’t sit down with them (no, not even with zombie Clegane). King Tommen tries to go scream with the High Sparrow and ends up being converted to the Faith instead.
Arya reaches full Karate Kid and recovers her vision by killing herself with the water from the well (that was a tense moment, wasn’t it?) Ramsey gets a gift from the House of Umber – Osha and… Rickon? Is that you? You’ve grown! We also see Shaggydog’s decapitated head (noooooo), so… how many direwolves left? Three? Wait, what is Ramsey going to do with poor Rickon?
Back in Castle Black, Jon gets to kill the men who killed him (a rare feat, one must say.) Yes, that’s right, we’ll see Thorne and that annoying little brat, Ollie, be hanged and DIE. And then Jon goes all sad, gets rid of his furry coat and fucks off the gate, saying his Watch has ended. What? No, Jon, you promised to be a Crow until death- ah, got you, I guess you’re fine then. Don’t slam the door on the way out. Great that Sansa decided to come to the Wall now that you’re leaving. (Does this mean the Bastard of Winterfell will kick the Bastard of Bolton’s ass?)
And this was it. Not as exciting as expected – the plot is so far moving in a predictable way – with some teasing from the past, and all open for whatever’s next. After the strong emotions from the last one, this is not as satisfying (no, not even with Ollie’s hanging), plus, Shaggydog, bloody hell.
Sex Scenes: None – what. the. flying. hell
Nudity: Snow’s white ass and some shoulders. This is becoming seriously Victorian…
Best quote: “I saw your pecker. What kind of god would have a pecker that small?”
Expensive CGI dragons/white walkers: Zero. Nada. Niente.
Hurray for hangings? Hurray!!
Game of Thrones plays on Sky on Monday evening.