Warning: No One is telling you not to read what’s next before watching the episode.
One more episode to go before all hell breaks loose! And two more for us to have wait yet another year to find out who Jon Snow’s mother is *snif. This week, as the title insinuates, was mostly about Arya and her escape from the House of Black and White (and you thought leaving the Mafia was hard, hm), but we also get some Lannister drama, the return of the Brotherhood (leaving book fans sobbing by the blatant absence of an expected character), Edmure Tully showing he does not have half the guts of her sister Cat, Tyrion basking on the glory of his own political chess game (for a bit at least) and Brienne, well, sorting some feelings before she can get some Wildling action (we hope).
We start where we left last week, with Lady Crane finding Arya pretty much stabbed on her wardrobe. The actress happens to be an expert on sewing people up (how appropriate!), so she gives Arya some stitches and some heavy paracetamol, while Arya shares her dream to become Vasco da Gama and travel West of Westeros (where the maps end). Meanwhile, in the mapped world, the Hound axes out a few plot fillers for no apparent reason but their poor taste in jokes. We can’t exactly say we minded terribly.
Varys is about to leave Tyrion in Meereen to secretly travel to Westeros to make some friends (have you heard about The Facebook, Varys?). Things seem to be working in the city after the dwarf’s pact with the Lord of Light people, and now peace and couscous abound. But we know what’s coming – like in a horror movie, when someone leaves the room to grab a beer from the basement, you know that as soon as they split, bad things will happen. And speaking of bad things, Cersei’s new pet causes an impression on the Sparrows as he mistakes one of them for a chewing toy. All sorts of feelings cross our minds, and as much we dislike Cersei and her ways, those fanatic tw*ts had it coming for a while, didn’t they? At Riverrun, Brienne and faithful squire Podrick find Jaime’s siege, and Bronn insinuates some hunky panky is going on between the two ex-prison buddies. Alas, it is not so – Brienne wants Jaime to let the Blackfish leave the castle with his army and travel north to help Sansa take Winterfell back, but the Tully Uncle is not so keen. Oh well. Guess we’ll be stuck in Riverrun for a while then.
Back at King’s Landing, recently converted King Tommen announces he’ll ban trial by combat (booo), making things a bit harder for his mother, that spent all that time and money on Pycelle’s science project. But Pycelle has some info regarding a rumour that, obviously, they won’t share with the audience. Is it that England won’t make it out of group’s phase at Euro 2016? Is it regarding Jon Christ Snow? Or is there something else coming our way that we have no way of finding about because, well, George RR Martin is a worse procrastinator that we are? Soon we’ll know, hopefully.
At Meereen, Tyrion bullies Missandei and Grey Worm to drink and tell jokes, while he shares his grandiose plans to have his own wine business (The Imp’s Delight) but then, the Masters appear on their boats and start throwing fiery balls into the city, which kinda spoils the punchline. Luckily, we have a deus ex-dracoris as Daenerys gets back, through the window, like a badass. Jaime and Edmure have an intimate conversation about sisters, and Jaime shows that losing a hand may have added to his brain, as he releases Edmure to get into the castle – after all, he is the rightful Lord of Riverrun, not the Blackfish – and has him surrending the castle. (that easy?? Guess we won’t be in Riverrun for much longer then) The Blackfish dies fighting off-screen (no budget for the sword fight choreographer, eh, HBO?), and Jaime waves Brienne goodbye.
The Hound finally finds the Brotherhood without Banners and his old undead friend, Ser Beric Dondarrion, who is busy hanging the guys that the Hound was looking for to kill (what a party pooper…). They all have a meal together (not chicken, though), and Ser Beric tries to persuade the Hound to join them. And, of course, we finish the episode back to Arya, who, after the Waif hunts her throughout the whole city of Braavos Aladdin style, manages to kill the annoying brat, and sticks her face on the shelf at the House of Black and White for full effects. Then she gives the finger to the man (that is, Jaqen H’ghar) – when he says “yo girl, you made it, you passed the test, now you’re no one”, she goes all “Bitch, I am Arya Stark, and I’m getting my ass back to Westeros, ‘cause I miss my boyfriend and my dog and you stink”. Something along these lines, anyway.
No One was way more exciting that the previous two episodes, but there’s still some energy missing, which we suspect is being held for full effect in the next episode. Most of the stuff we were eager to see – mostly fights and deaths – was off screen, and many expressed their disappointment about the way Arya’s storyline ended up (yeah, that theory about she actually being the Narrator and the Waif Tyler Durden was way cooler). But oh well. This season blew a lot of steam early on, and had to calm down at some point, which just happened to be just before the climax. There has been little Snow and even less Ramsey for the last three episodes, so we’ll definitely get our money’s worth next week. It’s Bastard’s Bowl, ladies and gentlemen! Put your bets in early!
Sex Scenes: Zero.
Best moment: that Waif’s face hanging from the wall.
Best quote(s): I prefer chicken. / You’re sh*t at dying, you know that?
Lady Mormont’s appearances: None.
Do we like Edmure Tully? : Not one bit.
Future episode prevision: Lady Mormont riding a bear into battle. Pweeeease!
Game of Thrones airs on Sky Atlantic at 9pm on Monday evenings.