Game of Thrones SE5 EP5 – “Kill the Boy” ****

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And here we are, halfway through the season, and things are actually starting to happen! At last!!! All set for episode 9 to break our hearts!

First things first. Grey Worm didn’t die (hurray!) but Sir Barrister is no more (noooo). That means no more Targaryen stories for Daenerys. Luckily for us, she is proper pissed with this and goes full Targaryen on Meeren, arresting all the family leaders (including sexy, curly-haired Hizdahr) and using them as dragon snacks. And yes, we get to see the dragons feeding on some roasted guy (money wasn’t spared on the CGI department for this episode, we can tell you that). Daenerys considers feeding Hizdahr to her pet lizards, but somehow changes her mind when she notices how sexy he is. Which can only mean one thing: she will do a stupid decision YET AGAIN.

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Samwell reads about Daenerys stupidity to her uncle Aemon, who mentions how she and him are the last Targaryen alive (such an important plot point!!). Jon then enters the room and asks to see Aemon alone. Aemon doesn’t even want to hear what Jon wants, just tells Jon to go for it. I mean, what the hell, Jon may have wanted to hold a One Direction concert at the Wall, and then who would be to blame for it? Basically, Aemon tells him to “kill the boy” – episode title alert! – and let the man be born. Jon almost cries, but then again, it’s way too cold at The Wall for that. So he mans up and tells Tormund Giatsbane (you know, the big red-haired wildling) that he wants to forgive the free folk and let them pass through the wall to the security of the South before Winter comes and kills everyone. Giantsbane doesn’t exactly trust Snow (we wonder why…) but then Jon frees him and they have this very strong homoerotic moment and Giantsbane invites Jon to come with him up North (*Barry White plays in the background). Jon can’t resist redheads, so he goes to confront his brothers in feathers with his controversial decision. Of course, the crows aren’t too happy about this. Also, Stannis is a grammar nazi.

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Brienne and Pod watch Winterfell from their room, and try to get some Northern allies to their cause. She also gets the chance to repeat how strong her loyalty is to the late Catelyn Stark, and how seriously she takes her oath. (ok, we get it!). Cue to boobs! And Ramsey Bolton enjoying some domestic quarrel with his mistress, Myranda, who’s not too keen on bastard Bolton marrying the Stark girl. In the meantime, Sansa is told that she still has friends in the North, and in case on danger, if unable to dial 999, she should get a candle up a tower or something medieval like that. Which is great timing to know, as Myranda shows her what happened to Theon at the hands of the Boltons.

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Ramsey humiliates both Theon and Sansa at breakfast, only to get a stab in the back (metaphorically, unfortunately) by his father, that announces his wife is pregnant with a proper, legitimate Bolton. Roose Bolton then shows he is the Man around when, in private, he tells Ramsey he is the result of a gruesome rape.

Gilly feels embarrassed about not knowing things, and Sam feels sorry for not being a Maester. Stannis storms into the room only to tell Sam, the son of the only man that defeated Robert Baratheon in battle, he is the only one ever to kill a White Walker, so he better keep studying how to get rid of those blue zombies, you know, because. Then Stannis storms out and marches to Winterfell. (Stannis…. * heart * heart *heart)

In the other side of the world, Grey Worm wakes up and goes all romantic, while Daenerys goes to Hizdahr and instead of chopping his bits off proposes to marry him (oh for the seven gods…)

For the last scene, Ser Jorah and Tyrion! Sailing through Valyria, seeing Drogon flying and being attacked by Stone Man. You know, the creatures covered in greyscale that are sent away to die? Yep. We told you that was plot relevant!! And so it is. Tyrion almost dies, but Ser Jorah saves him, not before being secretly infected with the disease. Tum tum tum!!!!

Episode Stats:

Boobs – Two.

Dragon barbecues – One

Jon Snow looks like he’s about to cry – too many times to count

Tyrion’s favourite witticism: “I would clap” (holding up his tied hands)

Character of the day – Stannis. I’m growing fonder of the man each day – what’s wrong with me???

Sara is originally from Coimbra, Portugal, where she studied Film Studies before moving to London to enrol in film school. Having made her first short film about her neighbour's chickens when she was 9 (a dystopian sci-fi, still her favourite genre), she is now a London-based film director and editor, and also a writer for the Portuguese Take Magazine. She is a huge fan of Lars Von Trier, Krysztof Kiéslowski, and David Lean.